Most people know that I am not really fan of modern "music" and find some beats of music to be offensive to God, even with "Christian lyrics". In a discussion yesterday, I thought I calmly defended my stance, but as I was provoked and forced to think more....I began to increase my tone, and was told that I was on the offense. I NEVER mean to offend, but I seemed to have, because I could see the "shock" in the eyes and expressions of one of my co-workers and friends.
I know the Bible says that we must NOT "have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful," but I know that I needed to defend my fundamental beliefs.
Well, at least that is what I thought. Really, I was not wrong, and she was not mostly wrong either, but I had caused dissension and trouble. I talked to one of my adult friends after this situation occurred, but in my heart I really wanted to apologize, but doing so makes me feel like a failure. Therefore, it took me much too long to do it. I wanted to approach all the girls, at one time, and let them know what causes me to do that.
I have a guarded attitude and policy with my life. I am a realist, I know things will happen, both bad and good, but I want to make sure that EVERY activity I do pleases God, and will NOT in the slightest risk doing something that will cause me to stumble: I won't drink (in the sense of alcohol), I will never smoke, I disdain dancing and what it may lead to, and I really find certain activities distasteful. I am a perfectionist that desires to "Do well, and excel"--my life mantra.
I defend fiercely my positions, and I tend to make sure people know my thoughts on particular items. Just today I have been told that I "troll" (no ideal if that is spelled correctly: look it up) I guess I seem to be much stronger in my arguments and debates. Now, I always thought that I was defending my faith and God's truth. Most of what I believe is based in Scriptural tradition and the expectations of having your body as the temple of the Holy Spirit.
Anyway, I certainly offended and caused problems by the silent treatment I issued next. Well, it was probably worse for me. Cause I kinda didn't really talk about what was going on inside. I was ripping myself apart...I was battling inside...well, more like a spiritual battle was ensuing. Most reading of my past posts will reveal my plan, and this was Satan's first attack of worthlessness. I never found a time that night to rectify and reconcile with my female co-workers.
Since, I didn't get to confess to them that I was incorrect in my methods of expressing myself, I didn't get much sleep. I wasn't tired, I wasn't ready to sleep; in fact I couldn't sleep at all. Instead I read a book. We were supposed to read two chapters of this book for our job, but I decided to read it since it really applied to my current situation and battle. Wowowowowow.
I got 11 chapters done (of 13) before I fell asleep around 230ish, and it really applied much more that I thought it would. Most people know that I am a skeptic (especially of pyschos, socios, and anthros---that is ologists). I feel most of what they do, as a whole, is unnecessary. Well, that knowledgeable and fact-based opinion might possibly be changing...once I evaluated this for truth. The book is called The Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee. and he has a website if you wanna check it out. : http://www.mcgeepublishing.com/video/significance/Broadband/Search.html.
I spent the night considering what I should tell the girls and what confessions I would have. I needed to tell all the truth, but I have never liked admitting to faults. SMH. But I know I needed to do it. So, once I finally got them together...I finally explained myself. I was overwhelmed by their understanding and comfort. One of the girls genuinely thanked me for my straightforwardness. It was quite refreshing. It felt amazing!...I am compelled to do it more often.
So take that Satan...step 1 of transformation on the way to completeness :)
Joeyb
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