Fulfilling the Hunger

"Just as our bodies have certain characteristics and appetites, so do our souls... NOTHING but God ever completely satisfies, because the soul was made for God.  Don't starve your soul."  -- Billy Graham in Hope for Each Day

If you read my last post, you are aware that I took last weekend and Monday to complete three days of prayer and fasting.  (It ended up being 73 hours, thanks to Daylight Savings Time ending.)  While some of this post will detail what I experienced during the time, most of this post will cover the discoveries I made about myself and what was revealed to me.  It was difficult at times to continue through the pangs of hunger and thirst, but it did force me to rely on God more and turn to Him for direction and guidance.

I noticed many things about myself during this period, and I noted how much not eating affected me.  The first day I fasted I had to work; many of you may know that I am employed at a BBQ restaurant called Pattan's.  (The food there is fantastic and flavorful.)  What I quickly realized, is that it was quite difficult to not fast (especially not snack or drink) while surrounded by the temptation of food.  Normally, I would taste food, make sure things are in satisfactory order, and ensure quality at the pass.  It got more difficult as the night went on, but I would say short prayers, asking for strength and focus, to keep from eating.  I managed to survive my cravings, as the it was only the first 24 hours.

Another thing I noticed was my desire to fill my time with things other than prayer and quiet conversation/communion with God.  It was my intention to avoid all types of entertainment for Sunday and Monday, since there were TVs at work.  It was pretty easy on Sunday, since my football team had a bye week, and I had a Sunday evening service to prepare.  However, I filled my thought-appetite with social media updates and online games (thanks Words With Friends).  I know that entertainment isn't necessarily "wrong," yet I had promised God that I would be more faithful with my time, especially with my focus on fasting.

I did spend hours at a time in prayer and Bible reading.  I took my time to devote myself to learning how to listen more clearly to God.  I accomplished a few things that I intended to complete, but not every question I asked has been answered (If I am faithful and continue in prayer, they will be--Daniel 10).  I learned different things that I did not expect to encounter; sure I knew about the hunger, but I didn't expect to fill it in other ways.

Apparently, I need to decrease my appetite for entertainment, food, and personal desires; then I improve my relationship with God and others.  I like these things too much, seemingly lack the self-control I have keeps God from using me to my fullest potential.  Living life to the full requires full trust in God and filling my spiritual appetite with the things of God.  My entertainment desire prevents me from reading spiritually excellent books, commentaries, and most importantly, Scripture.  I thought I had my desires under a strong limit, but I keep finding more and more "interesting sources" to watch, thanks in part to a free extension of my satellite TV (gotta love more sports, weather, and food channels!).  I love intrigue, mystery, action, and trivia, so these things provide much amusement.  Still, I am taking the steps, where God guides, to eliminate this desire.


Food is another issue...it is needed to survive, but Paul already addressed this is Romans.  Instead of developing a taste for fantastic, delectable foods, I should be developing a taste for the things of God.  I need to search for things that fulfill a spiritual appetite, instruct me in the ways of Wisdom, and teach me to pray and serve others.  I love learning about how food works, how to make Good Eats, and how to be better at my job.  However, I need to set aside more time to fulfill my spiritual appetite for growth and development, especially in the areas of leadership and discipleship.  My soul demands attention; my soul needs to be fed with the meat of God's Word.  Which needs to be applied in wise doses so that I get the proper spiritual nutrition, wisdom, and perseverance.


I need more meat, more personal dependence on God, more reliance on others, and a greater attitude of service. That is what I heard from God this week.  Sure, I studied Ezekiel 18 for a few hours and reaffirmed my stance on Salvation, but the main thing I learned is that I all the sermons I preached were messages that I needed to hear.  I need to be fervent in my prayer like the widow (Luke 18), I need to be a better steward of the skills and monies [talents] God has given me (Matthew 25), and I need to be an encourager of others through kind words and prayer (Philemon 4-7).  My life is a gift that God has given me and I must use it as such; I cannot any longer allow my focus and goals to be selfish.  Others are more important than I, and I must put them first (in love) to have true JOY (Jesus-Others-You).  My hunger for God must be at the forefront of my life.  While I do NOT and know my future that is okay (Proverbs 16:1-3, Psalm 119:105, Proverbs 4:20-27), I know that God is in control, and I just have to trust Him with what He entrusts me.  I must earnestly ASK (Ask, Seek, and Knock) for more, but only for what he has prepared in advance for me.

I do not know what that means, yet.  That may mean a new location, a new vocation, or a new foundation, but I need to thank God for what He has given me.  I need to live the way the Holy Spirit leads, preach unity, and act in kindness.  If I am to stay here in North Carolina, I hope to be used in ways that I could not have anticipated/imagined.   Right now, I know that means serving my new pastor, praying for and being accountable with my friends and family, and acting with integrity and honesty while being available.  I need to be more consistent in my prayers for others; I at least know what that means (as God revealed that).


I cannot wait to be humbled though fasting and prayer again.


PS Happy 100th Celebration of Armistice Day!

Stepping Up and Stepping Out (in Faith)

Today is the day that marks the one year since I was asked to resign my teaching position at Rockingham Middle School.  It was a tough day and a rough week following that action, but it is what happened and what caused me to find a path of growth.  I had the support I needed, especially from the people at church.  They prayed for me, kept trying to find positions for me, and gave me the breaks I needed, as God provided.  I still think about the impact I could have had at the school, but my impact has been at Rockingham Wesleyan Church.

Since I last posted I have transitioned to greater leadership roles, especially in church.  I have been promoted (in part) at work, given more hours, and trusted with more information concerning BBQ.  I have been asked to take a greater role in the interlude, while we await a new pastor.  Currently, I have preached a dozen evening services and even four morning sermons.  I accepted the invitation to preach a one Sunday that our supply pastor was unavailable, and that one service blossomed to more.  Each time I have been complemented and given positive feedback.  Many mentioned the timeliness of the message or at least that they took something from it.  That is wonderful to hear...

The most interesting statement thus far came from the regional pastors' meeting that I was invited to attend.  The chairman of the board at the church, invited me to their meeting, as the representative of our church; as he introduced me, he made a comment, to the other pastor, that has stuck with me, "He has been filling in for our supply pastor; he (meaning me) may have missed a calling...."  So, I have been dwelling on that for some time now.  As I mentioned, previously,  I cannot prepare for the future, unless I trust God and listen when He gives me the opportunity to step up.

I am doing that, in many ways.  Primarily by seeking out opportunities to serve my Church.  This has led me to believe God is leading me to a new area of teaching:  my upcoming skill of preaching.  Some people have spoken to me about it, even people who don't attend my church.  One lady even asked when I was starting to preach.  These incidents have cause me to be more prayerfully introspective and seek where God may be directing me; so I accepted an invitation, from my cousin, to a Georgia mountain retreat.  It was at this weekend, that I got to seek God more quietly and with others who were also seeking Him.  Despite not knowing anyone, aside from my cousin, I was immediately accepted, helped make meals, lead them in prayer, and connected with them. We had time to read the Bible together and share our testimonies. While I did not get to share all of mine, it was during the prayers for the person who just shared that I felt some confirmation of a shift in my future direction.  I am still not fully sure where I am being led beyond this year, but as they trusted me to pray with them, even though they just met me, I was able to see that my leadership is trusted.  The time at the retreat pointed me to understanding my limited future, giving me time to seek God.  Right now, I am trusted at my church, and will be helping the new pastor, who might be 5 years older than me, to transition from Charlotte to Rockingham.  I plan to offer to continue to speak Sunday evenings for a month or two and fill in for him as necessary.  As Esther was given a position at a certain time, for a certain purpose, so have I.  I feel secure for the next two months.

What lies beyond is definitely uncertain, (Psalm 119:105) but God has a certain things in mind.  I plan to seek Him more deeply about where He wants me to be.  I have been praying about my future and finding clues that light my footpath; I have mentioned some occurrences that have pointed me to consider teaching through a calling to preach.  But it is not yet clear to me where God is leading beyond the end of this year.  If I do not get a teaching job via my recent applications, I know that I am surely to pursue something different, but what, where, and when that is supposed to happen.  Therefore, my plan is to seek God more directly this weekend.  I am going to step out in faith and Ask, Seek, and Knock with persistence and through fasting.  My idea is to use Saturday, Sunday, and Monday to be in constant prayer and fast so that I can focus on what God desires for me.   This action and pattern will not be easy, without any support.  So, even if you don't know me, I am asking that you join with me in prayer, check in with me, send messages of encouragement, or any other way.  Thanks in advance.

God has a plan; It is time for me to find out what it is.  Here goes trusting...and stepping out in faith.  Just listen to this song!  Maybe you will be inspired to seek God also....

Year One in The South

August 11th has meaning for my immediate family.  That is the day it started in 1984 (if you can't figure it out that means it is my parents' anniversary).  For me personally, it is the day that I crossed the Mason-Dixon line, to become a resident in North Carolina.  My purpose:  to become a teacher at Rockingham Middle School and fulfill my dream of having a personal impact on students.  Instead, it was a year for personal reflection and growth.  (With most of the learning taking place recently).

For one, my philosophy of disciple in teaching has taken a shift. I expected respect, I anticipated the immediate obedience, and I felt that as the authority, students should just follow my lead.  They would want to learn, they would join together with limited structure, and they would thrive with less of my personal effort and more of there own energies.  That is the dream I had, and boy was it a fantasy.  I did have an impact on students in my short 3 months, but wish it could have lasted.

However, I have not given up, I have committed to adjustments and changes.  I want to encourage students to learn, set goals, and fulfill a purpose. My goal is to structure my lessons in the appropriate ways that make them desire to do this.  I have not yet been given a job that will let me complete this task, but I am in conversations with a local Christian school and just had an interview for a split social studies teacher for a pair of high schools about an hour away.  We will see what God has in store.

Because I have yet to land a job teaching, I have had much more time to learn about who I am and get back into running, at least in the last two months.  According to my records, I have run over 45 miles, hiked a mountain, and done hundreds of calisthenics.  I have adjusted what I consume and changed my diet, in part, because of the encouragement of others.  I have swum many laps in the pool, just to stay cool.  The fun part is that I get to walk to work, giving me time to call people, think, or just enjoy a peaceful time from electronics (that ten minutes is pretty nice, unless it is too humid...lol)  I have also been reading more and developing myself intellectually as well.

The books are not just for my mind, but also for Spiritual growth, a highly essential part of development.  I have been reading books that have been given to me by my former pastor here at Rockingham Wesleyan Church.  He gave me 10 books, and all but one deal with leadership and church management.  Apparently he saw something in me, because I was approached by the chairman of the church board to fill in as the Sunday evening service director, I was also asked to teach the teen Sunday School class, IF we get a pastor with a family that has teens.  I have been reading and digesting books:  Soulshift, 21 Irrefutable Law of Leadership, and The 21 Most Powerful Minutes in a Leader's Day.  Needless to say, I am learning a lot; knowing that I have a long way to go to be the man I need to be as a leader.  I certainly have attributes and skills that make me a developing leader, but I can definitely be better (*always).

The biggest thing I have changed this crazy year is my ability to "step-up".  After leaving RMS, I  learned that I didn't always speak out at the right time; I didn't always do what was best for the team, because I knew what I thought was best for me.  Leading the Sunday evening services given me the opportunity to seize the day and speak thoughtful things.  I have spoken on persistence in prayer (especially for a new pastor) and "why are you here" from Elijah hiding in the desert.  These lessons give me more courage to share my personal struggles and show where I can take part in filling roles that the pastor cannot (since we do not have one at this moment).  I have been told that my words have been encouraging, well-timed, and provoking.  I also have filled leadership roles in work, now that I have learned how things operate.  I have independently run the pass twice, but the biggest thing is I have gotten to run two inspections (we just scored 99.5 on Thursday).  The inspector kept telling me to keep up the good work and that we did a better job than francizes that have better SOPs. The best thing he said was:  "Your boss must really trust you, he never let anyone else run the inspections."  The law of timing is coming to fruition.

God knows what the next year holds.  I love it here:  I have made some friends (but they live in the cities at least 90 min away now, though)  I have made a difference, but not in the way I expected.  My plan is to stay in Rockingham, NC, unless God tells me otherwise.  Right now, I must teach the members of my church, encourage them, and share what God tells me.  That is what is now.  I cannot prepare for the future, unless I trust God and listen when He gives me the opportunity to step up.  It may be in a new teaching position in Stanly County or it might be in a private Christian School nearby.  But right now it is in my church and at Pattan's.  Let God use you now, and the future will care for itself.  I cannot wait to see what happens.

Run in Such a Way

Joe Brubaker

June 11, 2012 at 7:27am ·

God, direct my thinking today so that it be divorced of self pity, dishonesty, self-will, self-seeking, and FEAR. God inspire my thinking, decisions, and intuitions. Help me to relax and take it easy. Free me from doubt and indecision. Guide me through this day and show me my next step. God give me what I need to take care of any problems. I ask all these things that I may be of maximum service to you and my fellow man in the name of the Your Son, Jesus, I pray. AMEN

Facebook Memories can be enjoyable to reflect upon and are often nice to see.  They share where we were, what we were thinking, and how we were doing (mentally, spiritually, physically, etc.) during a certain cycle of life, had we chosen to post about it.  Sometimes, however, these memories cause more than a brief pause; instead they initiate more intensive reflection.  Thus was the case when I opened the "On This Day" link yesterday....

I am not sure if I was quoting this, or if it is a rephrasing of a famous prayer (a cursory Google search didn't reveal much), but I know it challenged me to think about my recent postings and current situation.  I also recall that this was posted just before I officially began my summer training the interns in the Bronx for Priority One, right after completing graduate school.  After the summer, I didn't have a job, I hadn't any major plans (outside of finding a job after my missions trip to Haiti), and I did not know where God was leading. If this sounds like a similar scenario to what I described in my last post, then you are tracking with me.  I was about to embark on a new part of a journey I had been on 4 years prior; just I was fulfilling a leadership role.

A brief overview of the prayer indicates that I was having a problem with wanting to be in control, to be the one that was right, and to be confident in my own abilities.  These may not sound all bad, but prioritizing these things (being addicted to them) makes them a Giant and idols ahead of God.  Apparently, these giant have again began to twitch and attempt to seize control of a portion of my life (specifically the part concerning the future).  I'll admit this, because asking for the prayerful support of overcoming this season of life begins with allowing others to help me "bear" my "burdens" (Galatians 6:2-3)  The prayer also petitions the Holy Spirit for Guidance in all areas of life and the direction for "maximum service" in honor of God.  This is something I surely need again, especially in light of recent events.

Before I left for NC, I was for the most part, fulfilling my desire to have maximum service (at least objectively).  I was a  Sunday School teacher, the missions committee Chairman, leader of the ministry to the nursing home, prayer chain member, and sometime solo-singer in addition to setting up the adult SS class chairs and other small, unnoticed acts of duty and service.  I certainly could have dedicated more time in the preparation of those roles, but I was doing what I thought best to fulfill my obligation to God and the church.  Yes, it was service, but I am not sure it was always God-inspired.  However, when I left, I surely allowed my spiritual disciplines (means of grace to Wesley) to weaken, especially in the areas of personal growth and reliance on God.   I did my devotions (sporadically), I prayed for God's help (compulsorily), and went to church.  It wasn't like I waned in my faith that God would act according to His good will, I had just been lax in my part of the commitment.  I considered it at times, but was not very constructive with attempting to change my complacency and turn it back to the full trust in the direction of God.  I sought comfort in other things and in knowing that I should be able to find a job (I mean I have a MEd, know many things, and there are open positions...who wouldn't hire me [oops])  My solace and peace were not in God, but I did relax and take it too easy.

Recently, I have had some conversations with my very close friends, and sermons from church, that led me to consider my dire straights. I considered their thoughts and saw some things that would revive my desires and increase my willingness to left God lead and take back the control of my direction.  The biggest catalyst was my best friend here was getting ready to transition to a new city, and we began to run together some (in part to get ready for a 5k--which I finally medaled in!!).  Spending time together became more precious to me, since distance would prevent the more common occurrence-which got me thinking even more deeply.  Our last run was on a particularly hot and rather humid Friday, where we actually paced more slowly.  In conversation, she mentioned slowing down and running for endurance and not just for timed completion.  It only struck me a few days later how the didn't just apply physically, but also spiritually. In part, it was due to reflecting on the day, but my thought on it deepened due to the Sunday School lesson and sermon.  I realized that my currently situation is not my last, but if I remained complacent, it would last much too long.  (The initial spark was probably from a phone call from my grandfather two mornings before.) It is the fruit that truly matters, but to grow to maturity, it must receive nutrients.  It reminded me of two sections of verses  1 Corinthians 9:24-27 and Hebrews 12:1b.

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. ²⁵ Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. ²⁶ Therefore I do not run like  a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. ²⁷ No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

  And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us

According to these verses action must be taken to gain the rewards God has in store for those who desire to follow Him.  If we want to be a significant impact on others and further the kingdom of God, we must have strict discipline-we must complete our training to the fullest.  For me, this means to "run in such a way" as to receive the prize must take a new direction. The way I do it must be improved, I am still evaluating some things to make this happen, but I have reached some conclusions.  In addition to events previously mentioned, I have been taking a greater role in my current church (sporadically leading songs and prayers--when asked), but may be asked to do more. {Our current pastor is leaving in about a month, and we have yet to have a candidate that responds.  If we do not get a full-time shepherd, we will be given a supply minister, meaning that we will have only a Sunday morning preacher, but he will fill no other roles.  Sunday evening, I was informed that my name has been considered as someone to take over the duties of bringing the message for the evening service, if and only if, this happens...} I am unsure of God's full plan, but since this prayer popped up, I will surely be using it more often.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I understand that my audience is small, but I am about to declare some plans that need some prayer warriors and those willing to support me to consider adding my petitions to their consideration, because in fellowship, we must not go alone.  I need people to keep me accountable for my actions.  Primarily, I need to get back on the right path spiritually, I have followed some rabbit trails and searched for new avenues, but have not sought God before I ventured forth.  I neglected to hear and listen to the voice of the Counselor in choosing my next steps, so I surely must do this while returning to strict training. I pursued my own goals and tried to fix the problems I caused, and again it has not been successful.  These changes will only successful with the adherence to God's Word and to the direction of the Holy Spirit.  I want to return to the ways of the first believers in Acts 2:42-47 and believe that it is possible.  I must Fully Rely on God while this all takes place.  Less importantly, but a physical and mental discipline that will help me maintain spiritual patterns, is a commitment to actually running/training.  Last Friday, we were pushed to endurance limits, by running until it wasn't possible to go further; yesterday, I found a loop to run that is about 4 miles, with chances to run further later, that I ran in 38 minutes (just before it poured rain).  I want to be consistent in my running (before work and after devotions) and maybe more exercise, but for now I just want to built my endurance, improve my distance, and not run within limits.  These are my goals.

Were I able to come to this realizations sooner, I could have avoided some disappointments, but now is the time to apply the learning, so that I can get some rest during this time as well.  There are things I must accomplish, tasks I have to complete, and directions I need to follow, but I must pray this prayer above so that I know I am doing right.  I may declare my plans, but it must be God who reveals the way I should go.  I need to "run in such a way" that trials are not hardships and temptations and doubts do NOT become sins and problems  I need the wisdom and endurance to make it, and I know that God provides that when I ask (James 1).  Going forward, I must not allow these weak giants from preventing my maximum service to God.  In my search for significance,  I cannot try to be in control and demand success my way.  To receive God's blessings, I cannot just feed on the milk of his word, I must mature and run with perseverance in such a way that pleases God.  No more side quests, I need to search for God, know him, honor and fear him, and decide to follow where he leads.  Clearly, in this world of self-centeredness, this is not easy, but for me, it is a necessity, now more than ever.  I cannot let recent disappointments keep me from receiving/following God' plan.  Now is the best time.

Consider for yourself, see where you find your relationship with God.  Is it where it should be?  Is it less than it could be?  Maybe your life is filled with means of grace, but not with the full mercy and grace for others.  Evaluate carefully if you are running with endurance or just sprinting toward the goal.  We must train to receive the prize and do as God desires.  Take it one step at a time; just because you think you are where you need to be, does not mean that you are.  It was difficult for me to realize and especially to admit, but don't give up.  God is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made (which includes all y'all)..Just do it (Ya Gotta Wanna).

I was gonna post this later today, but not sleeping well, sometimes makes you blog... thanks for sticking with me.  God bless you on your new discoveries!


Joeyb

The Challenge of Changing Circumstances

(Resurrecting the Blog for now...)

Proverbs 12:

v17--"A truthful witness gives honest testimony, but a false witness tells lies."

v19--"Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue lasts only a moment."

v22--"The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in men who are truthful."

Proverbs 13:3 "He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin."

As some of you may know, I left the comforts of PA (and a great home church congregation at Mowersville BiC) to venture to Rockingham, NC to FINALLY begin my teaching career.  My dreams had come true; despite my non-traditional path and thanks to the prompting of Megan Hahner, who had started her career in Richmond County Schools a year earlier, I was going to get that opportunity to prove my college degrees had paid off.  It all happened in less than a month (from interview, to hiring, to finding an apt. half a mile from the middle school and moving {the last step in 10 days]), and showed God's amazing planning.

However, the transition was a greater struggle than I imagined.  My structure was less sound than I suspected, my planning was weak, and I was constantly struggling with discipline management, as I relied own my abilities to fulfill my obligation to teach students.  These issues became evident with a few negative incidents with the behavior of specific students.  Unfortunately, these experiences taught me startling lessons:  I was not as ready for some disciplinary realities, I could have had better plans to create a safe place to share ideas, and I should have been more consistent in my responses to students.  Had I learned these lessons earlier, my first teaching experience could have been more successful.  After careful evaluation, consideration, and correction, I enhanced my knowledge of classroom management and familiarized myself with better methods of understanding teaching.  Yet, these realizations came too late; as this is not an evaluation of the entire school-year of progress.

A few times since my move, I came back to PA and visited Mowersville on my way back "home".  It was in one of these times I acquired a book, from the adult Sunday School class, called Goliath Must Fall.  Boy was the book a challenge to read, especially in my changing circumstances.  Two of the main giants that the author, Louie Giglio, addresses are Anger and Addiction.  Anger is something that I had thoroughly confronted in the past and defeated with few return encounters, but the advice still struck a strong chord.  Still the Giant of Addiction was very much left to its own devices.  I partially took this teaching job to feed my addiction to success and approval of others, showing that I could educate students and do it the way I saw fit.  I finally got the control of the career I had long-desired, I finally received the blessing of the secure employment I had hoped for, and I finally proved that my hard work had paid off (in getting the approval for the excellent work I was about to perform).  While I have always acknowledged my addictive personality, until I read the direct chapter, I certainly did not see my addiction to sharing only my accomplishments to gain acceptance and accolades of others.

Sadly, since I recently (about 2 weeks ago) read the chapter, that elaborated my personally addiction of using selective truth to promote my social standing and respect, I must admit I have knowingly been less than honest about my current career trajectory [especially on social media].  Since I began reading a chapter of Proverbs daily (for the umpteenth time), I encountered the verses that begin this long-anticipated post...Very convicting, especially in conjunction with the book I have been absorbing.  I saw that I have been not forthcoming and finally needed to be totally truthful with anyone who cared to read a post.  I was going to make a random Facebook Note to say that I shared my woeful failures and willing negligence, but I decided a blog would be more open and less vague. (I am pretty sure I am still more vague than I should be.)

This is my honest news, which is so old it is really sad:  My career as a 7th Grade Social Studies Teacher at Rockingham Middle School lasted a mere two moths and one week.  Nothing seemingly impressive, and far from social expectations, I didn't even make 45 school days.  I made a mistake in NOT reporting a major issue in classroom mismanagement and student accusation; due to my unfortunate decision I was asked to resign or be left with a mark of harassment on my record (and other veiled assumptions that I dare not address).  I was told that I would never regain control of my classroom (although I had JUST [the day before] been given professional counseling by a specialist).  The whole situation was so unexpected; it shocked my principal, who saw the situation as a formality, that I decided to veil my disappointment by never formally addressing my extreme failure so as to not affect the praise and support I had received from the approval of others and acknowledge my giant of addiction.   What A. Festering. Mistake.


For the next 4.5 months, I dealt with constant interview failure, rejection and neglect from human resource offices without the friendly support I could have received, while feeding and empowering this giant.  I missed out on personal encouragement and faced constant personal doubt of ever finding a teaching position again. (at least my church here and my school-teacher friends were available to support me.)  It took me too long to tell my extended family and even some close friends, who will sadly find out via this blog posting...(sorry y'all).  I never meant to be dishonest for so long, but I hate failure and disapproval.  This dishonesty forced me to miss the positive impact I had on many of my 95 students, especially personally blessing at least 3, who trusted me as their first adult confidant.  The addiction of social approval and seeming success led me down a path which I do NOT ever wish to venture again.  While I never approached a "victim mentality", I did not trust that I could share my failures again without retribution or losing respect from others.  I hope to find that I am wrong, but shall not know until time passes.

I have at least found a temporary job, for the last two months, at a local BBQ grille while I continue to pursue my educational position in other NC counties (I love it most days!! :) and they have amazing food! ).   I still want to impact the lives of public school students and lead them to be better citizens; I want to direct them in learning and developing, even if I have to deal with the immaturity of middle school.  I must face the challenge of my changing circumstances.  God knows why I was plucked from PA to be moved to extreme uncertainty here in NC; I still need to discover that myself (so prayers are surely needed).  I have had other interviews in food service, but if teaching is where God needs me (even in a private school), I will answer his call. (Hold me accountable someone...thanks in advance.)  I know that I am supposed to stay here in Rockingham, but I must deal with my giants, let Christ kill them, and draw closer to his leading. 

My life will never meet the perfection of my standards (I have already failed in some major facets), but I can certainly fully rely on God, let him meet me where I am, and carry me to where I should be.

That is where I am; may I ever move forward in the quest for piety and obedience to God.