Proverbs 12:
v17--"A truthful witness gives honest testimony, but a false witness tells lies."
v19--"Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue lasts only a moment."
v22--"The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in men who are truthful."Proverbs 13:3 "He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin."
As some of you may know, I left the comforts of PA (and a great home church congregation at Mowersville BiC) to venture to Rockingham, NC to FINALLY begin my teaching career. My dreams had come true; despite my non-traditional path and thanks to the prompting of Megan Hahner, who had started her career in Richmond County Schools a year earlier, I was going to get that opportunity to prove my college degrees had paid off. It all happened in less than a month (from interview, to hiring, to finding an apt. half a mile from the middle school and moving {the last step in 10 days]), and showed God's amazing planning.
However, the transition was a greater struggle than I imagined. My structure was less sound than I suspected, my planning was weak, and I was constantly struggling with discipline management, as I relied own my abilities to fulfill my obligation to teach students. These issues became evident with a few negative incidents with the behavior of specific students. Unfortunately, these experiences taught me startling lessons: I was not as ready for some disciplinary realities, I could have had better plans to create a safe place to share ideas, and I should have been more consistent in my responses to students. Had I learned these lessons earlier, my first teaching experience could have been more successful. After careful evaluation, consideration, and correction, I enhanced my knowledge of classroom management and familiarized myself with better methods of understanding teaching. Yet, these realizations came too late; as this is not an evaluation of the entire school-year of progress.
A few times since my move, I came back to PA and visited Mowersville on my way back "home". It was in one of these times I acquired a book, from the adult Sunday School class, called Goliath Must Fall. Boy was the book a challenge to read, especially in my changing circumstances. Two of the main giants that the author, Louie Giglio, addresses are Anger and Addiction. Anger is something that I had thoroughly confronted in the past and defeated with few return encounters, but the advice still struck a strong chord. Still the Giant of Addiction was very much left to its own devices. I partially took this teaching job to feed my addiction to success and approval of others, showing that I could educate students and do it the way I saw fit. I finally got the control of the career I had long-desired, I finally received the blessing of the secure employment I had hoped for, and I finally proved that my hard work had paid off (in getting the approval for the excellent work I was about to perform). While I have always acknowledged my addictive personality, until I read the direct chapter, I certainly did not see my addiction to sharing only my accomplishments to gain acceptance and accolades of others.
Sadly, since I recently (about 2 weeks ago) read the chapter, that elaborated my personally addiction of using selective truth to promote my social standing and respect, I must admit I have knowingly been less than honest about my current career trajectory [especially on social media]. Since I began reading a chapter of Proverbs daily (for the umpteenth time), I encountered the verses that begin this long-anticipated post...Very convicting, especially in conjunction with the book I have been absorbing. I saw that I have been not forthcoming and finally needed to be totally truthful with anyone who cared to read a post. I was going to make a random Facebook Note to say that I shared my woeful failures and willing negligence, but I decided a blog would be more open and less vague. (I am pretty sure I am still more vague than I should be.)
This is my honest news, which is so old it is really sad: My career as a 7th Grade Social Studies Teacher at Rockingham Middle School lasted a mere two moths and one week. Nothing seemingly impressive, and far from social expectations, I didn't even make 45 school days. I made a mistake in NOT reporting a major issue in classroom mismanagement and student accusation; due to my unfortunate decision I was asked to resign or be left with a mark of harassment on my record (and other veiled assumptions that I dare not address). I was told that I would never regain control of my classroom (although I had JUST [the day before] been given professional counseling by a specialist). The whole situation was so unexpected; it shocked my principal, who saw the situation as a formality, that I decided to veil my disappointment by never formally addressing my extreme failure so as to not affect the praise and support I had received from the approval of others and acknowledge my giant of addiction. What A. Festering. Mistake.
For the next 4.5 months, I dealt with constant interview failure, rejection and neglect from human resource offices without the friendly support I could have received, while feeding and empowering this giant. I missed out on personal encouragement and faced constant personal doubt of ever finding a teaching position again. (at least my church here and my school-teacher friends were available to support me.) It took me too long to tell my extended family and even some close friends, who will sadly find out via this blog posting...(sorry y'all). I never meant to be dishonest for so long, but I hate failure and disapproval. This dishonesty forced me to miss the positive impact I had on many of my 95 students, especially personally blessing at least 3, who trusted me as their first adult confidant. The addiction of social approval and seeming success led me down a path which I do NOT ever wish to venture again. While I never approached a "victim mentality", I did not trust that I could share my failures again without retribution or losing respect from others. I hope to find that I am wrong, but shall not know until time passes.
I have at least found a temporary job, for the last two months, at a local BBQ grille while I continue to pursue my educational position in other NC counties (I love it most days!! :) and they have amazing food! ). I still want to impact the lives of public school students and lead them to be better citizens; I want to direct them in learning and developing, even if I have to deal with the immaturity of middle school. I must face the challenge of my changing circumstances. God knows why I was plucked from PA to be moved to extreme uncertainty here in NC; I still need to discover that myself (so prayers are surely needed). I have had other interviews in food service, but if teaching is where God needs me (even in a private school), I will answer his call. (Hold me accountable someone...thanks in advance.) I know that I am supposed to stay here in Rockingham, but I must deal with my giants, let Christ kill them, and draw closer to his leading.
My life will never meet the perfection of my standards (I have already failed in some major facets), but I can certainly fully rely on God, let him meet me where I am, and carry me to where I should be.
That is where I am; may I ever move forward in the quest for piety and obedience to God.
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