At least that is what I discovered over this past month and a half since I have last posted words in this blogosphere. I have protected/hidden my true vivaciousness and attitude behind the veil of traditions and expectations; allowing those things to define me rather than my obedience to the will of God. I am not really as I have appeared to be in the past, but I have let my head control my heart. I believe what I believe because "God said it, I believe it, and that settles it for me." However, I often took it a step further and wanted everyone else to believe and follow the same things. While I wanted individualism for myself, I did not really want others to be free to make moral decisions. It is obviously necessary to have morals, but forcing them no longer works for modernity. It has been said that I live in the 1950s or should have been born then because of the way that I live. But since I used my head more often, reasoning and logic often got in the way of spiritual growth.
This past Thursday night/Friday morning I realized how my desire to be independent in my life (so that I could live up to God's rules and regulations), put me into a box and had build a defense around my true identity as a person. I chatted with one of the campus ministers who offered a different perspective. She said that my reverence for God (the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit) has blocked me from forming into a Christian that loves both God and others better than myself. While that was hard to process, at first, the conversation proved that she was right. She pointed out (very directly/bluntly) that I had a problem with manipulation and control, and that I must needs give up that focus if I am to grow to Fully Rely On God. If I am to truly live by the standard of "What Would Jesus Do?" and place complete trust in my maker, then I must totally had the Holy Spirit the keys to my house: every room, every closet, and ever door that uses a skeleton key. (It if for God to judge others at the end of times, and not my job to do it now.) I must share this and warn others like myself, to be wary of total manipulation.
One thing she said that really struck me, almost in a blindsiding fashion, is that I must stop trying to control the ends. As much as we desire something to happen and something to come true...we must use the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, who speaks to each one of us through the Bible and most effectively through prayer. This interaction does not take place if we are complacent or lazy in our relationship with Christ; no relationship is successful without constant positive communication. Resolving to maintain this consistency in deeper growth ignites a fire within the belly and spurs Christians toward the goal that God has for them. It will improve and be inflamed with greater passion to serve others, to Pay it Forward, and to change for real. As the Holy Spirit guides and comforts, direction will come on God's timing. This chronology may not be within our control, but it only happens at the proper time, and no sooner: precisely when necessary and not a moment too soon. While perhaps waiting/patience is the hardest part, relying on God's timing removes our need to worry and will certainly pay off. He will be there to guide and add faith and confidence as we entrust our lives to his full control. However, passively abiding whilst God is preparing the way for you does not always work. We must have a proper attitude and allow God to show us the way, and when we hear him we must follow. Even if it means stepping far out of our comfort zones.
Something I would do, to protect myself from the outside world, is to ignore anything that would not fit my reality in Christ or to label it as false/unrighteous. While striving for excellence, achievement and truth are wonderful things, they do not lead to perfection in Christ. Rather what makes perfection in Christ are our weaknesses (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). I know that I would show strength, both false and real, to maintain control and to avoid failure. I have coasted through life, because I never had to try: well I didn't really attempt doing anything "risky." Rather I would make sure the situation would benefit my success before I choose to pursue it. Doing that had been highly successful, at least I had thought so. In reality it pushed people away, it made them regard me as "holier than thou.." even though that was not my intention at all. I did not rely on the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, rather I relied on my knowledge of Scripture to control the ends: I got into grad school, I got a job, I avoided failure, I was a success. I followed all of the principles of the holy writ. I felt like a humble servant of God, and while I did obey his commands to show I love him, but that was a misinterpretation of John 14:23-24. I need to love God and he will give me the commands to obey/the direction to go. He will guide my steps and push me toward the success he has planned for me (Joshua 1--see "be strong and courageous"). I must simply trust and follow, without blind obligation, with an ear to Heaven and an eye on the Scripture. Openness and Brokenness will lead to the completion of the goals/resolutions that I set out for myself at the beginning of this calendar year. Christ will not let me be tempted beyond what I can bear and will provide a way out (1 Corinthians 10:13), so why should I not trust a God that cares for me that way.
For that reason and many others, it is time to cease the manipulation of the ends. Rather than revealing my goals to God, and expecting Him to fulfill my plans, I must ask God to show me where to step as he leads me in the path of righteousness. It is not for me, or you, to tell Him how to do anything, when he is in control the ends are not justified by the means, and the means are not justified by the ends. Instead, everything that is done is just, right, and through love. He will allow trials and tribulations, but we will not fail unless we do not trust him. We are not Superman, nothing is truly possible on our own. In Sunday School, we have been learning about Genesis and the Creation of the world. There God said it was not good for man to be alone (Chapter 2), and he meant it. In Philippians, Paul shared that we can do all things through Christ (4:13). God created everything perfectly, but when sin entered the world everything got messed up and he prepared to send Christ. That story of Preparation is the entire Old Testament and God guided the Israelites, If he can direct an entire population, He surely knows how to inspire one person and lead them in the way that he should go. He knows how to bring success, and because he created us for a purpose it is only right that we fulfill that purpose. It is not good to put the omniscient, omnipotent God in a box, by limiting ourselves to a certain set of parameters. With the right attitude, we have freedom in Christ.
It is time to live in a way that allows God to mold me into what I should be.
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